I want to outrun my body.
I feel trapped inside of an inescapable prism.
Like a caged tigress, I am pacing
Back and forth,
Back and forth,
Back and forth—
Desperate to get out.
To be free.
To feel the windiness of exhilaration once again.
I crave Everything,
But Nothing satisfies.
What is this Cycle of
Irrational fear,
Overreaction,
Sense of relief,
Conditional happiness,
Judge-mentality,
Extreme irritability,
Impatience,
Instantaneous Anger,
Deep sorrow,
and
Lonely
Restlessness,
Which possesses my being
And refuses to release me?
I am isolated.
From everything,
From everyone,
Even
From myself.
I crave Everything and Everyone,
But Nothing and No one satisfy.
I feel lost.
I do not know
Who or where
I am.
So I just
Am.
Is that OK?
I think so.
But still,
I feel crazy,
Unmotivated,
And unsatisfied.
This is not me.
At least not
The me
I once knew,
The me
I usually know.
Or is this me?
Another part me?
Do I have a multiple
Personality?
Maybe.
I don’t know.
I no longer know
How or where
To begin,
How or where
To go.
But I want my freedom.
And I want it now!
I am angry.
I am tired.
I am full of pent-up energy.
I want to act impulsively.
I want to run, run, run
Away.
But to where?
I don’t know.
Just away.
Yet within the frustration
Of this moment
Is where I must
And need
To stay.
There is no escape
From reality
Except
To accept.
To sit down,
To cease my pace,
To stand face-to-face
With myself.
For the truly
Free,
Must fully
Be.
Wow.
That’s cute
And easy to say.
But too difficult
For me to do—
At least for today.
Ahh!
Let me out!
Let me out.
Let me out.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Tonight,
Life
Is slow and sweet
(and careless),
Like the sun’s last evening kiss
Before he finally withdraws behind
His earthen fold.
Tonight,
Life
Is soft and warm and dark
(and full of secrets untold),
Like the rich, black soil buried beneath
A twinkling navy blanket.
Tonight,
Life
Is full of slumber and release,
Like a flower’s gentle sigh
As she folds her petals in for the night
And waits
Quietly for the morning.
They all must wait for the dawn,
For that single second
When the sky first opens her eye
And enlightens
All those who watch and wait
With eager expectations.
Her brightness sparkles and dances
From one translucent tear to another,
Until one-by-one
The drops melt away un—
And then,
Suddenly,
There it is!
What they’ve all been waiting for:
That tiny, green toothpick-of-a-thing.
Oh,
The mystery of Life!
Of soil
And sun
And seed
And water.
How is it possible
That from their intersection
New life so often follows
And thus begins a living memory
Of their sacred, momentary meeting?
And how is it possible
That some consider using
Illegitimate powers
To squash
That tiny, green toothpick-of-a-thing
Before it ever has a chance
To blossom?
Yes, some say,
“There are so many flowers,
That no one will notice
If there is one-less
Today.”
Yet, some say,
“Is it not tragic
To break what is fragile,
And is it not unnatural
To break the cycle
Of what is so clearly
Mother Nature’s Magic?”
Life
Is slow and sweet
(and careless),
Like the sun’s last evening kiss
Before he finally withdraws behind
His earthen fold.
Tonight,
Life
Is soft and warm and dark
(and full of secrets untold),
Like the rich, black soil buried beneath
A twinkling navy blanket.
Tonight,
Life
Is full of slumber and release,
Like a flower’s gentle sigh
As she folds her petals in for the night
And waits
Quietly for the morning.
They all must wait for the dawn,
For that single second
When the sky first opens her eye
And enlightens
All those who watch and wait
With eager expectations.
Her brightness sparkles and dances
From one translucent tear to another,
Until one-by-one
The drops melt away un—
And then,
Suddenly,
There it is!
What they’ve all been waiting for:
That tiny, green toothpick-of-a-thing.
Oh,
The mystery of Life!
Of soil
And sun
And seed
And water.
How is it possible
That from their intersection
New life so often follows
And thus begins a living memory
Of their sacred, momentary meeting?
And how is it possible
That some consider using
Illegitimate powers
To squash
That tiny, green toothpick-of-a-thing
Before it ever has a chance
To blossom?
Yes, some say,
“There are so many flowers,
That no one will notice
If there is one-less
Today.”
Yet, some say,
“Is it not tragic
To break what is fragile,
And is it not unnatural
To break the cycle
Of what is so clearly
Mother Nature’s Magic?”
Friday, June 12, 2009
Hair falls out
From a
Neatly
Pinned
Bun.
Nothing stays
Where it should.
Everything bends
Towards chaos
Disorder
Disorganization.
A hand, my hand,
Reaches up to swoop
The strand of stray hairs
Out of my face
And back into its
Proper place.
But it will fall again.
Is this what Life is:
An endless struggle
Between things
As they “ought”
And things as they “want”?
Everything slides
Toward freedom.
Everything desires
To slip from confines.
Blessed
Beautiful
Free
And sometimes happy
Are those minds that
Finally
Do.
Certain things cannot be tamed
Or changed
Or explained:
How the river flows
From where the wind blows
The depth and mystery of the ocean,
Nobody ever knows.
But still,
Like soft, green leaves
Unfurling in the gentle morning sun,
Mother Nature laughs and cries and grows.
To learn from Her,
To live as She lives,
Is to ride the current of Life,
Wherever it goes—
Without painstaking plans,
Without perfection or years of preparation,
Without panic
Without fear of drowning or of traveling
A lifetime in the wrong direction.
To live as She lives
Is to throw away our mentality
Of tying things up,
Of caging things in,
Of always planning for the end,
When what would be better
Is to simply take a big breath
And finally begin.
To live as She lives
Is to run outside
And shake out every one of our hairs.
To live as She lives
Is to fill our lungs with fresh air
And scream as loudly and wildly
As we possibly can,
Simply because we can.
To live as She lives
Is to take a deep breath
And realize we’ve just uttered the oldest of prayers.
To live as She lives
Is to embrace the fragility of life
And dive daringly into the
Dark and dangerous depths of death.
To live as She lives
Is to let go
Is to let things fall
Is to die
Is to experience together
The danger and beauty and mystery
Of Life.
To live as She lives
Is not to hold on
Or even to know.
Rather,
To live as She lives
Is to let everything go,
Is to allow things to fall,
Is to embrace the unknown,
Is to feel the wind as it blows
Is to watch the flower as it grows
Is to become a part of the river as she flows.
From a
Neatly
Pinned
Bun.
Nothing stays
Where it should.
Everything bends
Towards chaos
Disorder
Disorganization.
A hand, my hand,
Reaches up to swoop
The strand of stray hairs
Out of my face
And back into its
Proper place.
But it will fall again.
Is this what Life is:
An endless struggle
Between things
As they “ought”
And things as they “want”?
Everything slides
Toward freedom.
Everything desires
To slip from confines.
Blessed
Beautiful
Free
And sometimes happy
Are those minds that
Finally
Do.
Certain things cannot be tamed
Or changed
Or explained:
How the river flows
From where the wind blows
The depth and mystery of the ocean,
Nobody ever knows.
But still,
Like soft, green leaves
Unfurling in the gentle morning sun,
Mother Nature laughs and cries and grows.
To learn from Her,
To live as She lives,
Is to ride the current of Life,
Wherever it goes—
Without painstaking plans,
Without perfection or years of preparation,
Without panic
Without fear of drowning or of traveling
A lifetime in the wrong direction.
To live as She lives
Is to throw away our mentality
Of tying things up,
Of caging things in,
Of always planning for the end,
When what would be better
Is to simply take a big breath
And finally begin.
To live as She lives
Is to run outside
And shake out every one of our hairs.
To live as She lives
Is to fill our lungs with fresh air
And scream as loudly and wildly
As we possibly can,
Simply because we can.
To live as She lives
Is to take a deep breath
And realize we’ve just uttered the oldest of prayers.
To live as She lives
Is to embrace the fragility of life
And dive daringly into the
Dark and dangerous depths of death.
To live as She lives
Is to let go
Is to let things fall
Is to die
Is to experience together
The danger and beauty and mystery
Of Life.
To live as She lives
Is not to hold on
Or even to know.
Rather,
To live as She lives
Is to let everything go,
Is to allow things to fall,
Is to embrace the unknown,
Is to feel the wind as it blows
Is to watch the flower as it grows
Is to become a part of the river as she flows.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
let me go.
Yes, I'm broken.
But so are you,
and so is this
damn system.
So please,
get out of my head;
just let me go.
How did this happen?
How did I get here?
Where am I headed now?
I never saw this coming.
Or, well, maybe I saw it,
but I never thought
this moment
would actually arrive.
I thought it was only
an illusive mirage.
But now, even I
have been "lured"
into its entourage.
Oh, where will I go from here?
Am I broken?
Or am I, only now,
finally,
becoming whole?
How come
nobody ever taught me
how to lose control?
How come
they only preach
about how not
to lose your soul?
Please, somebody,
teach me -
how to live,how to breathe,
how to feel free
how to be free,
how to be
me.
This is hard,
not easy.
So please,
Don't fuckin' tease me.
We all need
room to grow,
so please,
just let me go.
How?
Oh, I wish I knew.
But I just don't know.
So please,
everyone,
just let me go.
But so are you,
and so is this
damn system.
So please,
get out of my head;
just let me go.
How did this happen?
How did I get here?
Where am I headed now?
I never saw this coming.
Or, well, maybe I saw it,
but I never thought
this moment
would actually arrive.
I thought it was only
an illusive mirage.
But now, even I
have been "lured"
into its entourage.
Oh, where will I go from here?
Am I broken?
Or am I, only now,
finally,
becoming whole?
How come
nobody ever taught me
how to lose control?
How come
they only preach
about how not
to lose your soul?
Please, somebody,
teach me -
how to live,how to breathe,
how to feel free
how to be free,
how to be
me.
This is hard,
not easy.
So please,
Don't fuckin' tease me.
We all need
room to grow,
so please,
just let me go.
How?
Oh, I wish I knew.
But I just don't know.
So please,
everyone,
just let me go.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
always today
Isn't it funny
- or actually,
isn't it tragic -
how the older we grow
the more we must relearn
how to play?
Why do grown-ups always insist
on being so serious?
The more we "certainly know,"
the less we are willing to believe.
As we deny, ignore, fear, and run from
the unknown,
we simultaneously forget
how to explore and question
and simply stand in awe
of life's many mysteries.
Our selves
no longer allow
our souls
to dwell long
in the magical moments;
we even arrogantly
(yet "rationally") assume
that "magic"
no longer exists,
so we invent safety nets
and stop taking risks.
Care and caution
are wise,
impulse and passion,
foolish -
we like to say.
But which is truly wiser:
To passionately live in each magical moment,
Or to cautiously plan for tomorrow
while it is still, always, today?
- or actually,
isn't it tragic -
how the older we grow
the more we must relearn
how to play?
Why do grown-ups always insist
on being so serious?
The more we "certainly know,"
the less we are willing to believe.
As we deny, ignore, fear, and run from
the unknown,
we simultaneously forget
how to explore and question
and simply stand in awe
of life's many mysteries.
Our selves
no longer allow
our souls
to dwell long
in the magical moments;
we even arrogantly
(yet "rationally") assume
that "magic"
no longer exists,
so we invent safety nets
and stop taking risks.
Care and caution
are wise,
impulse and passion,
foolish -
we like to say.
But which is truly wiser:
To passionately live in each magical moment,
Or to cautiously plan for tomorrow
while it is still, always, today?
the art of breezing
Unexpected
like a sudden summer storm
or
a postcard in the mail
or
a call from a long lost friend.
Light
as laughter
and
as the morning sunshine.
Airy
as the gentle summer breeze.
Refreshing
like a glass of ice cold lemonade
after
the unpleasant flavor of spoiled milk
poured on perfectly pleasant porridge
or
like the coolness of a sudden summer sun shower
poured amidst midday heat.
Harmless
Hopeful
Beautiful
yet
Born to die
like the unfolding petals of a purple petunia.
Unpredictable
Amoral
and
Natural
as a yellow and black bumblebee
buzzing from one baby bud to another
before suddenly zipping off to somewhere,
perhaps to another sweetened spot.
Temporary
but
Tasty
like a stick of bubblemint bubbleyum
which lights and tickles lucky taste buds
before too much saliva slowly extinguishes
the poignancy of pleasure.
isn't it all
Marvelous
and
Mortal?
like the dribbling of a ball
or
the beginning of a fall;
it all begins
and
at some point
all art also ends.
Exhilarating while it lasts
yet
Destined to not.
Isn't it all
like this?
So let us listen not
to those who say
run
from all which rots
and refuses to stay.
Instead let us learn
from our ever-dying Mother
how to fearfully embrace
both the beauty of birth
and the destiny of death.
And let us learn
from our ever-living Mother
how to awfully enjoy
these present passing pleasures
which she calls today.
like a sudden summer storm
or
a postcard in the mail
or
a call from a long lost friend.
Light
as laughter
and
as the morning sunshine.
Airy
as the gentle summer breeze.
Refreshing
like a glass of ice cold lemonade
after
the unpleasant flavor of spoiled milk
poured on perfectly pleasant porridge
or
like the coolness of a sudden summer sun shower
poured amidst midday heat.
Harmless
Hopeful
Beautiful
yet
Born to die
like the unfolding petals of a purple petunia.
Unpredictable
Amoral
and
Natural
as a yellow and black bumblebee
buzzing from one baby bud to another
before suddenly zipping off to somewhere,
perhaps to another sweetened spot.
Temporary
but
Tasty
like a stick of bubblemint bubbleyum
which lights and tickles lucky taste buds
before too much saliva slowly extinguishes
the poignancy of pleasure.
isn't it all
Marvelous
and
Mortal?
like the dribbling of a ball
or
the beginning of a fall;
it all begins
and
at some point
all art also ends.
Exhilarating while it lasts
yet
Destined to not.
Isn't it all
like this?
So let us listen not
to those who say
run
from all which rots
and refuses to stay.
Instead let us learn
from our ever-dying Mother
how to fearfully embrace
both the beauty of birth
and the destiny of death.
And let us learn
from our ever-living Mother
how to awfully enjoy
these present passing pleasures
which she calls today.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
the Plucked
Hope.
A delicate,
Lavender
Flower.
SMASHED.
Between the pages
of a long,
Forgotten Story.
"Pressed,"
Some call it.
Flattened.
Preserved.
"Preserved" until
Most evidence
of her previous
Life
Has been
Destroyed.
Snuffed out.
Extinguished.
The intricate
Curves
of her petals-
Now flat.
The sweet, soft
Scent
of her center-
Now stale.
Every drop of
Life water
Squeezed out
from
Between the pages
of another's
Story,
Seldom
Remembered.
Involuntarily
Plucked.
Severed.
Cut off-
from
Her natural
Community.
Now she is
"Relocated."
Isolated.
Alone.
Now she is
only
a flat,
scentless
Picture-
Evidence
of what
Once was,
But
No longer is.
Without the others,
She is
Vulnerable
to
And
Helpless
against
the
senseless
Whims
of her
Plucker.
No longer
flexible,
She is now
fragile.
Now,
when the Wind
blows,
She
no longer
enjoys
how It tickles
her pollen
and sways
her slender stem.
Now,
instead,
She
only
worries
How It can
Break
her stiffened spine.
She is now
"Preserved
Forever."
Yet
She is now
also
Denied
her Opportunity
her Possibility
her Innate Ability
to
Replenish
and
Rejoin
the others.
A delicate,
Lavender
Flower.
SMASHED.
Between the pages
of a long,
Forgotten Story.
"Pressed,"
Some call it.
Flattened.
Preserved.
"Preserved" until
Most evidence
of her previous
Life
Has been
Destroyed.
Snuffed out.
Extinguished.
The intricate
Curves
of her petals-
Now flat.
The sweet, soft
Scent
of her center-
Now stale.
Every drop of
Life water
Squeezed out
from
Between the pages
of another's
Story,
Seldom
Remembered.
Involuntarily
Plucked.
Severed.
Cut off-
from
Her natural
Community.
Now she is
"Relocated."
Isolated.
Alone.
Now she is
only
a flat,
scentless
Picture-
Evidence
of what
Once was,
But
No longer is.
Without the others,
She is
Vulnerable
to
And
Helpless
against
the
senseless
Whims
of her
Plucker.
No longer
flexible,
She is now
fragile.
Now,
when the Wind
blows,
She
no longer
enjoys
how It tickles
her pollen
and sways
her slender stem.
Now,
instead,
She
only
worries
How It can
Break
her stiffened spine.
She is now
"Preserved
Forever."
Yet
She is now
also
Denied
her Opportunity
her Possibility
her Innate Ability
to
Replenish
and
Rejoin
the others.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
stuck.
I'm not stuck on someone.
I'm stuck on something.
But that something
Has come
In the form of someone,
Which,
Of course,
Makes it more difficult
To become unstuck.
Because
I can't just violently
Or suddenly
Rip that something
Away from me
Upon impulse.
I've tried that already.
And it hurts.
Because that something
Is actually
A someone.
And someones
-More than
mere somethings-
Have feelings
That must be taken
Into consideration.
Someones deserve
Dignity
Respect
And care
Because they have
Hearts that beat
Life
And lungs that breathe
Air.
So,
I am stuck.
Really, really
stuck.
Stuck between
What should never
Have been,
But what,
Nevertheless,
Is.
Stuck between
What is not
A mistake,
Yet what is also
Not
The most sensible
Choice I could have made
-And still,
Currently,
Make.
Well,
Actually,
It's quite
Sensible
-In some ways-
But absolutely
Crazy
In others.
Oooooh!
I am so stuck!
Stuckety
Stuck
Stuck
Stuck.
But this
Sticky situation
Is not beyond
Hope.
That
-At least-
Is for certain.
To become unstuck
Is very possible.
It has been done.
Stuck someones
From everywhere
Do it everyday.
But the process
Will be
-And has been-
Painful
And not
Fun.
Like ripping a bandaid
Off sensitive flesh,
Whether you do it
Fast
Or
Slow
Matters little,
For both
Hurt
Like hell
And often reveal
A nasty scar,
Which only
Time
Can cover up
Well.
I almost asked,
"Oh, what to do?"
But that is not
An intelligent
Question,
For the answer
Is quite obvious:
Get unstuck!
Now I want to ask,
"OK, so then
How to do it?"
But that question
Is pointless, too.
For it does not
Matter
So much
How,
But only
That I
Do.
I'm stuck on something.
But that something
Has come
In the form of someone,
Which,
Of course,
Makes it more difficult
To become unstuck.
Because
I can't just violently
Or suddenly
Rip that something
Away from me
Upon impulse.
I've tried that already.
And it hurts.
Because that something
Is actually
A someone.
And someones
-More than
mere somethings-
Have feelings
That must be taken
Into consideration.
Someones deserve
Dignity
Respect
And care
Because they have
Hearts that beat
Life
And lungs that breathe
Air.
So,
I am stuck.
Really, really
stuck.
Stuck between
What should never
Have been,
But what,
Nevertheless,
Is.
Stuck between
What is not
A mistake,
Yet what is also
Not
The most sensible
Choice I could have made
-And still,
Currently,
Make.
Well,
Actually,
It's quite
Sensible
-In some ways-
But absolutely
Crazy
In others.
Oooooh!
I am so stuck!
Stuckety
Stuck
Stuck
Stuck.
But this
Sticky situation
Is not beyond
Hope.
That
-At least-
Is for certain.
To become unstuck
Is very possible.
It has been done.
Stuck someones
From everywhere
Do it everyday.
But the process
Will be
-And has been-
Painful
And not
Fun.
Like ripping a bandaid
Off sensitive flesh,
Whether you do it
Fast
Or
Slow
Matters little,
For both
Hurt
Like hell
And often reveal
A nasty scar,
Which only
Time
Can cover up
Well.
I almost asked,
"Oh, what to do?"
But that is not
An intelligent
Question,
For the answer
Is quite obvious:
Get unstuck!
Now I want to ask,
"OK, so then
How to do it?"
But that question
Is pointless, too.
For it does not
Matter
So much
How,
But only
That I
Do.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
restlessness...
Today, I feel restless.
And not as in Restless Leg Syndrome or boredom or "what should I do today?"
It's more like Restless Heart Syndrome...
More like, "what should I do with my life in the near future?"
In the past, restlessness was not a common issue for me.
I am usually very content with wherever I am and with whatever I am doing.
I usually enjoy being alive in this Present moment, wherever I am and whatever I am about.
And I am very happy to be who I am and where I am in this Present moment, today.
But very recently, my heart has felt it is time to move on.
What do I mean by this?
I have no idea.
Do I mean I need to move on ideologically?
Geographically?
Socially?
Personally?
In relationships?
I have no idea.
I guess only the future will tell?
Maybe this feeling comes from how ridiculously long this entire Peace Corps application process is taking me - I began the application over a year ago.
Maybe it comes from watching many of my closest friends prepare for graduation and life "after college," while I have made no plans to move out of Gainesville any time soon.
Maybe it comes from my chronic state of "fickleness," which I spoke of in the previous entry.
Or maybe my restless heart is the effect of all the above and even other causes, which I have not yet identified.
Physically, I can sleep.
But mentally, spiritually, personally - I cannot rest right now.
My restless heart keeps me awake... awake... awake.
Ugh.
The voice from Nowhere whispers to me always - in the midst of both the silent and the noisy moments - It's time to move on.
But move on to where?
To what?
Sigh.
I don't know.
I like where I am living.
But of course, I may enjoy Life in other places, too.
Should I move back to Kansas City and teach or apply to work at the KCUYC?
I could.
But I don't think that's the place for me right now.
Should I move to a brand new place?
Or should I stay here, where I have some tiny roots that are beginning, at last, to grow?
Should I stay exactly where I am and just wait out the whole Peace Corps process?
I could.
Life is rich and full of lessons and love here.
Should I go get a haircut today?
I do kind of need one; haven't had one since January.
But that's just a momentary fix.
Should I get a new job but stay in the same city, in the same house, with the same family?
I could.
Oh, dear mama, mother of Life.
What to do?
Move on... what does that mean???
Why am I so restless?
I have been a geographical nomad all my life.
But now, even as remain in one city,
And my feet no longer wander,
My heart wonders incessantly.
Oh! The terrible, wonderful, exciting, frustrating, rewarding Life of a chronic nomad!
Am I doomed to be either
A Wandering Wonderer
or
A Wondering Wanderer
All my life?
For a Tree to grow strong and produce good fruit, does She need to first grow strong roots, deep down into the soil? How much time do roots take to grow? Can they ever be transplanted successfully?
And yet, in the midst of momentary distress over my restlessness, the words of J.R.R. Tolkien encourage me:
Not all those who wander are lost.
Some may be.
But not all.
Hopefully I am not... yet.
And not as in Restless Leg Syndrome or boredom or "what should I do today?"
It's more like Restless Heart Syndrome...
More like, "what should I do with my life in the near future?"
In the past, restlessness was not a common issue for me.
I am usually very content with wherever I am and with whatever I am doing.
I usually enjoy being alive in this Present moment, wherever I am and whatever I am about.
And I am very happy to be who I am and where I am in this Present moment, today.
But very recently, my heart has felt it is time to move on.
What do I mean by this?
I have no idea.
Do I mean I need to move on ideologically?
Geographically?
Socially?
Personally?
In relationships?
I have no idea.
I guess only the future will tell?
Maybe this feeling comes from how ridiculously long this entire Peace Corps application process is taking me - I began the application over a year ago.
Maybe it comes from watching many of my closest friends prepare for graduation and life "after college," while I have made no plans to move out of Gainesville any time soon.
Maybe it comes from my chronic state of "fickleness," which I spoke of in the previous entry.
Or maybe my restless heart is the effect of all the above and even other causes, which I have not yet identified.
Physically, I can sleep.
But mentally, spiritually, personally - I cannot rest right now.
My restless heart keeps me awake... awake... awake.
Ugh.
The voice from Nowhere whispers to me always - in the midst of both the silent and the noisy moments - It's time to move on.
But move on to where?
To what?
Sigh.
I don't know.
I like where I am living.
But of course, I may enjoy Life in other places, too.
Should I move back to Kansas City and teach or apply to work at the KCUYC?
I could.
But I don't think that's the place for me right now.
Should I move to a brand new place?
Or should I stay here, where I have some tiny roots that are beginning, at last, to grow?
Should I stay exactly where I am and just wait out the whole Peace Corps process?
I could.
Life is rich and full of lessons and love here.
Should I go get a haircut today?
I do kind of need one; haven't had one since January.
But that's just a momentary fix.
Should I get a new job but stay in the same city, in the same house, with the same family?
I could.
Oh, dear mama, mother of Life.
What to do?
Move on... what does that mean???
Why am I so restless?
I have been a geographical nomad all my life.
But now, even as remain in one city,
And my feet no longer wander,
My heart wonders incessantly.
Oh! The terrible, wonderful, exciting, frustrating, rewarding Life of a chronic nomad!
Am I doomed to be either
A Wandering Wonderer
or
A Wondering Wanderer
All my life?
For a Tree to grow strong and produce good fruit, does She need to first grow strong roots, deep down into the soil? How much time do roots take to grow? Can they ever be transplanted successfully?
And yet, in the midst of momentary distress over my restlessness, the words of J.R.R. Tolkien encourage me:
Not all those who wander are lost.
Some may be.
But not all.
Hopefully I am not... yet.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
be True. be You.
INTEGRITY /ɪnˈtɛgrɪti/ [in-teg-ri-tee]
–noun1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.
FICKLE /ˈfɪkəl/ [fik-uhl]
–adjective1. likely to change, esp. due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable: fickle weather.2. not constant or loyal in affections: a fickle lover.
"In my solitude I asked to know the highest truth,
And what I was told was to thine own self be true."
~from India Arie's song, "Wings of Forgiveness"
I've messed up.
I long for integrity. I desire to be a person, a Woman, a soul of integrity. I want to be whole... sound... undiminished.
But reality reveals that despite my desire, I am fickle. I am likely to change. Some days I have no idea what I really want. And often I am neither constant nor loyal.
For most of my life, words like integrity and commitment could define me, at least partially. I did not shy away from commitment. I whole-heartily pursued and embraced it.
But not anymore.
For the last several months, I have been unwilling and almost unable to whole-heartily commit myself to any one thing, idea, or person.
I hate this about myself right now. Or maybe, to be more accurate and less harsh, I should say that I hate this about "my stage in life" right now. But however I say it does not change the meaning, for Where I am right now is the same as Who I am right now. So I am fickle. I am ever-changing. I am unwilling and often unable to commit.
And this scares the shit out of me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it.
Fickleness is one thing.
Sometimes I think being fickle is OK and perhaps even healthy and normal.
Sometime I think that fickleness and integrity don't have to be mutually exclusive.
Maybe the two can coexist.
Perhaps a Woman can maintain her integrity while still feeling fickle.
But I have not managed to do this.
I have compromised my integrity.
I have diminished my wholeness.
I have consciously made unsound decisions.
My wholeness has been fractured because I tried to separate my Spiritual being from my Physical one.
From the beginning, I suspected this attempt was doomed to fail.
But I began anyway.
I tried.
And the first attempt failed.
I tried again.
And the second attempt failed.
After the second time, I no longer suspected; I knew every attempt was doomed to fail.
But I tried again.
And again.
And every attempt has failed.
Most certainly.
I cannot divide my Body from my Soul.
The Two are One; each affects the other.
When did I compromise my integrity?
Was it by simply trying because I did not yet know the answer?
Certainly not.
The compromise happened when I finally knew the answer, but went ahead anyways.
Just because "I wanted to do it."
Or more accurately, because part of me wanted to do it.
Not all of me.
Not the whole me.
I allowed part of me to affect all of me, even when all of me was no longer in agreement.
I arrogantly and foolishly thought,
"I just don't care right now; I want to do this."
But this was not true.
Reality was that I did not want to care. But part of me - and thus Me - cared very much.
But can I blame my lack of integrity on the awkward transition stage on which my Life currently and indefinitely pauses? It's tempting. My Life, no matter which way I look at it - spiritually, physically, professionally, personally - is at a crossroads right now. My entire being seems to be shrugging her shoulders, throwing up her hands, and sighing deeply, "I just don't know."
But while this stage of transition, uncertainty, and frustration may explain fickleness, it does not excuse a lack of integrity.
Sometimes I think this issue is about another person whom I have harmed or dishonored.
But that is actually another issue.
This issue is about Me.
I have harmed and dishonored Myself by consciously compromising the Woman I know myself to be.
And now that I've realized this, I need to get a move on and fix the problem at hand.
I need to get back to the basics of Me.
I need to forgive Myself, let it go, and move on.
But first, in some odd way, I sense the need to ask God - whoever or whatever He or She or It may be - to please forgive me for trying to separate that which God brought together.
And when I refer to forgiveness, I think I simply mean restoration.
I seek restoration within myself - between my Body and Soul.
I seek restoration without myself - between the little Soul inside me and the larger Soul outside me.
I don't want to be divided.
I need to be whole.
In fact, I cannot be divided.
I will always be whole.
So I need to Live and Love in a way that acknowledges and honors that wholeness.
I need to be True.
I need to be Me.
–noun1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.
FICKLE /ˈfɪkəl/ [fik-uhl]
–adjective1. likely to change, esp. due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable: fickle weather.2. not constant or loyal in affections: a fickle lover.
"In my solitude I asked to know the highest truth,
And what I was told was to thine own self be true."
~from India Arie's song, "Wings of Forgiveness"
I've messed up.
I long for integrity. I desire to be a person, a Woman, a soul of integrity. I want to be whole... sound... undiminished.
But reality reveals that despite my desire, I am fickle. I am likely to change. Some days I have no idea what I really want. And often I am neither constant nor loyal.
For most of my life, words like integrity and commitment could define me, at least partially. I did not shy away from commitment. I whole-heartily pursued and embraced it.
But not anymore.
For the last several months, I have been unwilling and almost unable to whole-heartily commit myself to any one thing, idea, or person.
I hate this about myself right now. Or maybe, to be more accurate and less harsh, I should say that I hate this about "my stage in life" right now. But however I say it does not change the meaning, for Where I am right now is the same as Who I am right now. So I am fickle. I am ever-changing. I am unwilling and often unable to commit.
And this scares the shit out of me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it.
Fickleness is one thing.
Sometimes I think being fickle is OK and perhaps even healthy and normal.
Sometime I think that fickleness and integrity don't have to be mutually exclusive.
Maybe the two can coexist.
Perhaps a Woman can maintain her integrity while still feeling fickle.
But I have not managed to do this.
I have compromised my integrity.
I have diminished my wholeness.
I have consciously made unsound decisions.
My wholeness has been fractured because I tried to separate my Spiritual being from my Physical one.
From the beginning, I suspected this attempt was doomed to fail.
But I began anyway.
I tried.
And the first attempt failed.
I tried again.
And the second attempt failed.
After the second time, I no longer suspected; I knew every attempt was doomed to fail.
But I tried again.
And again.
And every attempt has failed.
Most certainly.
I cannot divide my Body from my Soul.
The Two are One; each affects the other.
When did I compromise my integrity?
Was it by simply trying because I did not yet know the answer?
Certainly not.
The compromise happened when I finally knew the answer, but went ahead anyways.
Just because "I wanted to do it."
Or more accurately, because part of me wanted to do it.
Not all of me.
Not the whole me.
I allowed part of me to affect all of me, even when all of me was no longer in agreement.
I arrogantly and foolishly thought,
"I just don't care right now; I want to do this."
But this was not true.
Reality was that I did not want to care. But part of me - and thus Me - cared very much.
But can I blame my lack of integrity on the awkward transition stage on which my Life currently and indefinitely pauses? It's tempting. My Life, no matter which way I look at it - spiritually, physically, professionally, personally - is at a crossroads right now. My entire being seems to be shrugging her shoulders, throwing up her hands, and sighing deeply, "I just don't know."
But while this stage of transition, uncertainty, and frustration may explain fickleness, it does not excuse a lack of integrity.
Sometimes I think this issue is about another person whom I have harmed or dishonored.
But that is actually another issue.
This issue is about Me.
I have harmed and dishonored Myself by consciously compromising the Woman I know myself to be.
And now that I've realized this, I need to get a move on and fix the problem at hand.
I need to get back to the basics of Me.
I need to forgive Myself, let it go, and move on.
But first, in some odd way, I sense the need to ask God - whoever or whatever He or She or It may be - to please forgive me for trying to separate that which God brought together.
And when I refer to forgiveness, I think I simply mean restoration.
I seek restoration within myself - between my Body and Soul.
I seek restoration without myself - between the little Soul inside me and the larger Soul outside me.
I don't want to be divided.
I need to be whole.
In fact, I cannot be divided.
I will always be whole.
So I need to Live and Love in a way that acknowledges and honors that wholeness.
I need to be True.
I need to be Me.
Friday, April 10, 2009
How to Change the World & Your Life: Break a Cycle
A few months ago - actually, the same evening I wrote my last blog entry - a friend spoke what he thought was truth to me. And for him, it is truth. But for me, it is an abominable lie. His concept of truth offends the core of my being. Here is the gist of how the conversation went:
So you think you can leave all of this behind and just move to Africa?
Yes. Well, at least I am going to try.
What do you think you're going to do over there? Change the world or something? Do you actually think you can do that? You can't really do anything, you know.
-Shock produces a slight pause of silence-
Ummm, well... I mean, I don't think I can do everything. But I hope I can do something. I don't know if I can change the world; I mean, I kind of doubt I can do that. But I think it's OK to try. And anyways, I think I can at least do the same thing over there that I am doing right here, right now - Which is just living the best that I know how, one day at a time... Which is just opening my eyes and my ears to watch and listen and learn from the people and the world around me... Which is just changing my little piece of the world, as I understand it - one person, one conversation, one action, one moment at a time. That's all I can do. That's all most people can do. And that's what I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do.
A few minutes and a slightly-different topic later...
Wow. That guy is a jerk. Why don't you just tell him to shut the fuck up and leave you alone?
What?!! No way. I'm not going to do that.
But you want to do it, don't you?
-Slight pause for reflection-
Well, noooo... Not really. No. I don't want to do that at all.
Yes, you do. C'mon. Just admit it. And do it.
-He laughs a bit.-
No. I really don't want to do that. And I won't do it. I think that's silly.
What? Why?
Because. It's silly. Why would I respond to a jerk by being a jerk? Why would I respond to anger with more anger? Why would I respond to hurtful words with more hurtful words? That's just going to produce more jerks, more anger, more hurtful words... And that's silly. Because that's not what I want to happen. What I want is Understanding, and if I can't have that, then I at least hope for Peace between us. I hope for Respect, not Disrespect. I hope for Love, not more Hurt. And I highly doubt that angry, disrespectful, hurtful words from me will produce Understanding, Peace, Respect, and Love in him. That's illogical. That's silly.
-My friend just looks at me like I'm a little crazy.-
I'm being serious. Think about it: If you respond to the same thing with the same thing, you're just going to get more of the same thing. And the same thing will go on and on an on... It's an endless, pointless, hopeless, silly cycle. If you want something to change, then you have to respond to the same thing with something different. You have to break the cycle. I have to break the cycle. Then maybe - hopefully - what is "normal" will begin to change.
-Another pause of silence-
Wow! I think I've just realized part of what I want to do with my life: I want to break the cycle. See what you've just shown me? I told you that you're not a bad influence on me...
-a moment of silence ensues, then a confused smile and some soft, awkward laughter follows-
My friend believes in the Cycle.
So do I.
And maybe you do, too.
But he believes the Cycle is the solution,
while I believe the Cycle is the problem.
That's the difference.
I think we should try to break the Cycle.
I think life can be different.
I believe change is possible.
My friend thinks it is hopeless to try and break the Cycle.
"The Cycle represents how life has always been," he says.
"And the Cycle is how life will always be.
"So why struggle against it?"You'll just be wasting energy," he concludes.
But I refuse to believe that - even if it is true.
I believe another Reality is possible.
But for the Cycle to stop,
Someone must break it.
In one of her new songs entitled, "The Cure," India Arie sings,
"The worst disease in the world - it's not cancer, it's not AIDS. The cure will not be found by any physicist or scientist. The cause and the cure live in every single one of us. The worst disease in the world is Hate. And the cure for Hate is Love... It may seem that I'm looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, but I believe that it's so simple that sometimes it looks complicated. God's love is like sunshine - it's there whether or not we recognize it - the most powerful energy in the universe, and all we have to do is use it. You may think that there is nothing in the world that you can do, but that ain't true. The fact of the matter is that a better world begins with you. Be the best person you can be, and pass those values to your family. And when you pray for those you love, say a prayer for humanity."
(you can listen to her song by clicking on the title of this blog entry)
India believes in the Cycle, too... And she believes that each one of us - through the way we live - chooses to either "cause" or "cure" the Cycle of disease, which she calls Hate.
Many "facts" of life exist because of Cycles -because we (both as private individuals and as the general public) repeat the same action or series of actions over and over and over again. As I've pondered this idea over the last couple months, I've slowly grown to believe the following realities exist - at least in part - because of constant, and often destructive, Cycles:
War.
Boredom.
Gossip.
Depression.
Addiction.
Fear.
Misunderstanding.
Violence.
And yet, we -those of us who realize that Life could (and probably even should) somehow be different - complain and wonder why life remains the same. Why does Nothing ever change?
Why do so few people counter:
An act of War with... an act of Peace?
A complaint of Boredom with... an act of Creativity?
A word of Gossip with... a word of Compliment?
A state of Depression with... a thoughtful, positive action that brings Joy to another?
A destructive Addiction with... a constructive Replacement?
An irrational Fear with... an audacious Hope?
A Misunderstanding with... a Patient and Listening ear?
An act of Violence with... an act of Nonviolence?
Why do human beings still believe and act on the belief that killing another group of human beings is the most feasible solution to a conflict?
(Why do we think that producing another, bigger conflict - like declaring war - will help solve the original, smaller conflict - like one, isolated attack? Why? Will someone please tell me?)
Why do billions of people spend decades of precious Time - decades of Life - working jobs they do not even enjoy, let alone believe in with all of their beings?
(Why do people feel that paying the bills is more important than discovering joy and purpose and a reason to live?)
When someone gossips about us, why do we often respond by gossipping to someone else about how the first first person has gossipped about us?
Why do I keep buying coffee and chocolate and bananas and cell phones and laptop computers and cheap Wal-Mart products, even though I know all these items are made available to me only by the sweat of some man, woman, or child laboring in near slave-like conditions somewhere in West African and South American fields, in Congolese coltan mines, in Chinese sweatshop factories?
Why does Nothing ever change?
Some people "just don't know."
But I know.
And now you know.
So is it that we just don't care?
Is it that we forget in the moment?
Is it that we don't want to think about it?
Or is it that we don't believe our small, solitary actions will make a significant difference?
But oh, why, why does Nothing ever change?
For Nothing to change, Something must happen.
And it takes Someone to do Something.
And that Someone can be me.
That Someone can be you.
So let's do Something already!
Like what?
Like Something different.
Like Something that is opposite from "normal."
Like Something that is desperately needed but least expected.
Maybe I can't change the world.
But I think it's OK to try.
And I do believe that you and I together can change at least a little piece of our world.
And I think we can change it today.
But still, the question may haunt us:
Can our small, solitary actions make a significant difference?
If the answer is, No, our actions will amount to nothing significant, then I respond with a 1783 reprimand from Edmund Burke:
"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
So please, let us do Something -even if it is only a little.
For even a Little thing is better than a Nothing.
And better yet, let us do Something together, for as Burke also notes,
"When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle."
But I believe the answer is Yes, together we can make a significant difference.
And if you don't believe me, then look at history.
The same history that is full of destructive, unjust Cycles which sadly continue today is the same history that is also full of stories about how a few Cycles have been broken. Think of these few examples from the past, and then think of more:
~African-American suffrage.
~The end of most institutionalized segregation and discrimination (sadly, they still exist today, but hopefully in less severity than they once did).
~Women's suffrage.
~The mostly-nonviolent independence movements of India, South Africa, and a few other nations.
This is a very short list. But think of it and add to it... And think of how a few individuals (out of many) are remembered for their stands...
~Rosa Parks...
~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr....
~Mahatma Gandhi...
~Nelson Mandela...
All of these people were imprisoned and some of them killed for nonviolently seeking to stop a vicious Cycle... But in the end, the Cycles which they opposed were broken. Why? Because individuals and communities from diverse backgrounds came together to stand against the Cycle.
What do their stories and their lives mean?
They mean many things to many people.
But to me, they mean Hope.
They mean that
It is possible to Break a Cycle.
They mean that
Even when I stand alone,
I have power.
They mean that
When we stand together,
We have even more power.
And by power,
I mean that
We have a voice,
That we have
The ability to not only
Make our concerns heard,
But also to
Bring about significant change.
When we stand together,
We have the power
To Break a Cycle.
So let's break one!
Today in our society groups of people are challenging Cycles.
Look at the evidence:
-The LGBT civil rights movement
-The slow rise of humanitarian and eco-friendly buying options brought to us through organic and fair trade products
-____________
-____________
I hope more evidence exists, but I am drawing blanks right now. Will you fill in where I've left off?
What are you and I doing to challenge the Cycles that dictate our lives and our world? Do we even realize the destructive Cycles which our own lives perpetuate daily?
Injustice still exists today.
Today in Gainesville, over 1500 people are homeless.
Today in Gainesville, over 10,000 apartments and houses sit empty.Today in Gainesville, many of us have empty couches at night and even empty bedrooms.
Today in the world, over 30,000 children will die of starvation.
Today in the world, over 1 billion people - or 1 in 6 people - lack access to safe drinking water.Today in the world, you and I will probably throw away spoiled food, not finish a meal, and waste gallons of safe drinking water on flushing our toilets, washing our cars, and taking 30 minute showers.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, someone is lonely.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, someone is sad.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, a single mom needs help with her kids.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, a student needs help with his homework.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, your next-door neighbor might appreciate a plate of cookies or the offer to mow their lawn.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, someone's grandma sits alone and forgotten in a nursing home, wishing someone would just spend half an hour speaking with her or reading a book to her or holding her hand and describing how the world outside looks today.
Injustice occurs more often and in simpler forms than we think.
If we have more than enough (more than what we need) while someone else in our sphere of influence has not enough (less than what they need), that is injustice.
We may be ignorant.
But does our ignorance make us innocent?
I think not.
Let us think.
Let us educate ourselves about the consequences of our own actions, and then let us strive to make conscious changes where necessary.
Let us open up our eyes and ears and see the world and the people around us as they are.
Let us see ourselves as we are.
Let us see and understand what we can do to make a difference - even if it is something small...
Something like a smile...
Something like a bouquet of flowers for a tired-looking Publix cashier...
Something like a hug for someone who least expects it...
Something like a kind word to someone we feel more like cussing out...
Something like a surprise thank you note for our local garbage or mail man...
Something like a 10 minute shower instead of a 20 minute one...
Something like buying an orange from an Alachua county farmer instead of a banana from Publix, which somewhere down the line was grown on a Chilean plantation by a woman with no civil rights...
Something like buying a cup of coffee from Sweetwater instead of Starbucks.
Something like buying our T-shirts and socks from a thrift store or http://NoSweatApparel.com instead of from Wal-Mart.For Nothing to change, Something must happen.
And it takes Someone to do Something.
And that Someone can be me.
That Someone can be you.
Just please, let us do Something!
Like what?
Like Something different.
Like Something that is opposite from "normal."
Like Something that is desperately needed but least expected.
Together, We can change the world.
Why can we do this?
Because
Together, We can Break a Cycle.
How will we do this?
By beginning today.
But before We change the world,
We must first begin by Breaking the Cycles which exist in our own everyday lives.
Now let us begin the Breaking today - not tomorrow.
What will you do?
What will I do?
I think I'll begin by...
*Buying a doggy treat for this dog I can't stand.
*Returning a phone call from this girl who annoys me.
*Designing a creative thrift store t-shirt and then giving it to a friend as a "just because" gift.
*Refusing to buy a chocolate product unless I know it is a fair trade product.
That's some sort of start, I guess.
So what will you do?
Do you really think you can change the world?
Well, I at least believe you can.
So how can we work together?
Who will share an idea?
Who will dare to turn an idea into an action?
So you think you can leave all of this behind and just move to Africa?
Yes. Well, at least I am going to try.
What do you think you're going to do over there? Change the world or something? Do you actually think you can do that? You can't really do anything, you know.
-Shock produces a slight pause of silence-
Ummm, well... I mean, I don't think I can do everything. But I hope I can do something. I don't know if I can change the world; I mean, I kind of doubt I can do that. But I think it's OK to try. And anyways, I think I can at least do the same thing over there that I am doing right here, right now - Which is just living the best that I know how, one day at a time... Which is just opening my eyes and my ears to watch and listen and learn from the people and the world around me... Which is just changing my little piece of the world, as I understand it - one person, one conversation, one action, one moment at a time. That's all I can do. That's all most people can do. And that's what I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do.
A few minutes and a slightly-different topic later...
Wow. That guy is a jerk. Why don't you just tell him to shut the fuck up and leave you alone?
What?!! No way. I'm not going to do that.
But you want to do it, don't you?
-Slight pause for reflection-
Well, noooo... Not really. No. I don't want to do that at all.
Yes, you do. C'mon. Just admit it. And do it.
-He laughs a bit.-
No. I really don't want to do that. And I won't do it. I think that's silly.
What? Why?
Because. It's silly. Why would I respond to a jerk by being a jerk? Why would I respond to anger with more anger? Why would I respond to hurtful words with more hurtful words? That's just going to produce more jerks, more anger, more hurtful words... And that's silly. Because that's not what I want to happen. What I want is Understanding, and if I can't have that, then I at least hope for Peace between us. I hope for Respect, not Disrespect. I hope for Love, not more Hurt. And I highly doubt that angry, disrespectful, hurtful words from me will produce Understanding, Peace, Respect, and Love in him. That's illogical. That's silly.
-My friend just looks at me like I'm a little crazy.-
I'm being serious. Think about it: If you respond to the same thing with the same thing, you're just going to get more of the same thing. And the same thing will go on and on an on... It's an endless, pointless, hopeless, silly cycle. If you want something to change, then you have to respond to the same thing with something different. You have to break the cycle. I have to break the cycle. Then maybe - hopefully - what is "normal" will begin to change.
-Another pause of silence-
Wow! I think I've just realized part of what I want to do with my life: I want to break the cycle. See what you've just shown me? I told you that you're not a bad influence on me...
-a moment of silence ensues, then a confused smile and some soft, awkward laughter follows-
My friend believes in the Cycle.
So do I.
And maybe you do, too.
But he believes the Cycle is the solution,
while I believe the Cycle is the problem.
That's the difference.
I think we should try to break the Cycle.
I think life can be different.
I believe change is possible.
My friend thinks it is hopeless to try and break the Cycle.
"The Cycle represents how life has always been," he says.
"And the Cycle is how life will always be.
"So why struggle against it?"You'll just be wasting energy," he concludes.
But I refuse to believe that - even if it is true.
I believe another Reality is possible.
But for the Cycle to stop,
Someone must break it.
In one of her new songs entitled, "The Cure," India Arie sings,
"The worst disease in the world - it's not cancer, it's not AIDS. The cure will not be found by any physicist or scientist. The cause and the cure live in every single one of us. The worst disease in the world is Hate. And the cure for Hate is Love... It may seem that I'm looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, but I believe that it's so simple that sometimes it looks complicated. God's love is like sunshine - it's there whether or not we recognize it - the most powerful energy in the universe, and all we have to do is use it. You may think that there is nothing in the world that you can do, but that ain't true. The fact of the matter is that a better world begins with you. Be the best person you can be, and pass those values to your family. And when you pray for those you love, say a prayer for humanity."
(you can listen to her song by clicking on the title of this blog entry)
India believes in the Cycle, too... And she believes that each one of us - through the way we live - chooses to either "cause" or "cure" the Cycle of disease, which she calls Hate.
Many "facts" of life exist because of Cycles -because we (both as private individuals and as the general public) repeat the same action or series of actions over and over and over again. As I've pondered this idea over the last couple months, I've slowly grown to believe the following realities exist - at least in part - because of constant, and often destructive, Cycles:
War.
Boredom.
Gossip.
Depression.
Addiction.
Fear.
Misunderstanding.
Violence.
And yet, we -those of us who realize that Life could (and probably even should) somehow be different - complain and wonder why life remains the same. Why does Nothing ever change?
Why do so few people counter:
An act of War with... an act of Peace?
A complaint of Boredom with... an act of Creativity?
A word of Gossip with... a word of Compliment?
A state of Depression with... a thoughtful, positive action that brings Joy to another?
A destructive Addiction with... a constructive Replacement?
An irrational Fear with... an audacious Hope?
A Misunderstanding with... a Patient and Listening ear?
An act of Violence with... an act of Nonviolence?
Why do human beings still believe and act on the belief that killing another group of human beings is the most feasible solution to a conflict?
(Why do we think that producing another, bigger conflict - like declaring war - will help solve the original, smaller conflict - like one, isolated attack? Why? Will someone please tell me?)
Why do billions of people spend decades of precious Time - decades of Life - working jobs they do not even enjoy, let alone believe in with all of their beings?
(Why do people feel that paying the bills is more important than discovering joy and purpose and a reason to live?)
When someone gossips about us, why do we often respond by gossipping to someone else about how the first first person has gossipped about us?
Why do I keep buying coffee and chocolate and bananas and cell phones and laptop computers and cheap Wal-Mart products, even though I know all these items are made available to me only by the sweat of some man, woman, or child laboring in near slave-like conditions somewhere in West African and South American fields, in Congolese coltan mines, in Chinese sweatshop factories?
Why does Nothing ever change?
Some people "just don't know."
But I know.
And now you know.
So is it that we just don't care?
Is it that we forget in the moment?
Is it that we don't want to think about it?
Or is it that we don't believe our small, solitary actions will make a significant difference?
But oh, why, why does Nothing ever change?
For Nothing to change, Something must happen.
And it takes Someone to do Something.
And that Someone can be me.
That Someone can be you.
So let's do Something already!
Like what?
Like Something different.
Like Something that is opposite from "normal."
Like Something that is desperately needed but least expected.
Maybe I can't change the world.
But I think it's OK to try.
And I do believe that you and I together can change at least a little piece of our world.
And I think we can change it today.
But still, the question may haunt us:
Can our small, solitary actions make a significant difference?
If the answer is, No, our actions will amount to nothing significant, then I respond with a 1783 reprimand from Edmund Burke:
"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
So please, let us do Something -even if it is only a little.
For even a Little thing is better than a Nothing.
And better yet, let us do Something together, for as Burke also notes,
"When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle."
But I believe the answer is Yes, together we can make a significant difference.
And if you don't believe me, then look at history.
The same history that is full of destructive, unjust Cycles which sadly continue today is the same history that is also full of stories about how a few Cycles have been broken. Think of these few examples from the past, and then think of more:
~African-American suffrage.
~The end of most institutionalized segregation and discrimination (sadly, they still exist today, but hopefully in less severity than they once did).
~Women's suffrage.
~The mostly-nonviolent independence movements of India, South Africa, and a few other nations.
This is a very short list. But think of it and add to it... And think of how a few individuals (out of many) are remembered for their stands...
~Rosa Parks...
~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr....
~Mahatma Gandhi...
~Nelson Mandela...
All of these people were imprisoned and some of them killed for nonviolently seeking to stop a vicious Cycle... But in the end, the Cycles which they opposed were broken. Why? Because individuals and communities from diverse backgrounds came together to stand against the Cycle.
What do their stories and their lives mean?
They mean many things to many people.
But to me, they mean Hope.
They mean that
It is possible to Break a Cycle.
They mean that
Even when I stand alone,
I have power.
They mean that
When we stand together,
We have even more power.
And by power,
I mean that
We have a voice,
That we have
The ability to not only
Make our concerns heard,
But also to
Bring about significant change.
When we stand together,
We have the power
To Break a Cycle.
So let's break one!
Today in our society groups of people are challenging Cycles.
Look at the evidence:
-The LGBT civil rights movement
-The slow rise of humanitarian and eco-friendly buying options brought to us through organic and fair trade products
-____________
-____________
I hope more evidence exists, but I am drawing blanks right now. Will you fill in where I've left off?
What are you and I doing to challenge the Cycles that dictate our lives and our world? Do we even realize the destructive Cycles which our own lives perpetuate daily?
Injustice still exists today.
Today in Gainesville, over 1500 people are homeless.
Today in Gainesville, over 10,000 apartments and houses sit empty.Today in Gainesville, many of us have empty couches at night and even empty bedrooms.
Today in the world, over 30,000 children will die of starvation.
Today in the world, over 1 billion people - or 1 in 6 people - lack access to safe drinking water.Today in the world, you and I will probably throw away spoiled food, not finish a meal, and waste gallons of safe drinking water on flushing our toilets, washing our cars, and taking 30 minute showers.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, someone is lonely.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, someone is sad.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, a single mom needs help with her kids.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, a student needs help with his homework.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, your next-door neighbor might appreciate a plate of cookies or the offer to mow their lawn.
Today in your own unique sphere of influence, someone's grandma sits alone and forgotten in a nursing home, wishing someone would just spend half an hour speaking with her or reading a book to her or holding her hand and describing how the world outside looks today.
Injustice occurs more often and in simpler forms than we think.
If we have more than enough (more than what we need) while someone else in our sphere of influence has not enough (less than what they need), that is injustice.
We may be ignorant.
But does our ignorance make us innocent?
I think not.
Let us think.
Let us educate ourselves about the consequences of our own actions, and then let us strive to make conscious changes where necessary.
Let us open up our eyes and ears and see the world and the people around us as they are.
Let us see ourselves as we are.
Let us see and understand what we can do to make a difference - even if it is something small...
Something like a smile...
Something like a bouquet of flowers for a tired-looking Publix cashier...
Something like a hug for someone who least expects it...
Something like a kind word to someone we feel more like cussing out...
Something like a surprise thank you note for our local garbage or mail man...
Something like a 10 minute shower instead of a 20 minute one...
Something like buying an orange from an Alachua county farmer instead of a banana from Publix, which somewhere down the line was grown on a Chilean plantation by a woman with no civil rights...
Something like buying a cup of coffee from Sweetwater instead of Starbucks.
Something like buying our T-shirts and socks from a thrift store or http://NoSweatApparel.com instead of from Wal-Mart.For Nothing to change, Something must happen.
And it takes Someone to do Something.
And that Someone can be me.
That Someone can be you.
Just please, let us do Something!
Like what?
Like Something different.
Like Something that is opposite from "normal."
Like Something that is desperately needed but least expected.
Together, We can change the world.
Why can we do this?
Because
Together, We can Break a Cycle.
How will we do this?
By beginning today.
But before We change the world,
We must first begin by Breaking the Cycles which exist in our own everyday lives.
Now let us begin the Breaking today - not tomorrow.
What will you do?
What will I do?
I think I'll begin by...
*Buying a doggy treat for this dog I can't stand.
*Returning a phone call from this girl who annoys me.
*Designing a creative thrift store t-shirt and then giving it to a friend as a "just because" gift.
*Refusing to buy a chocolate product unless I know it is a fair trade product.
That's some sort of start, I guess.
So what will you do?
Do you really think you can change the world?
Well, I at least believe you can.
So how can we work together?
Who will share an idea?
Who will dare to turn an idea into an action?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
an "average" (ha!) day of Life in the gainesville catholic worker house...
Wait, you're not living with Megan anymore?! What happened? Where are you living?
So, what are you doing with your life now that you're done with college? You're working two part time jobs? Oh. So what do you do with all your free time?
Wait. Let me get this straight. You are living in the Gainesville Catholic Worker House? I thought you didn't like religious stuff anymore. Have you joined a cult or something?
Oh. So you have homeless people in your house everyday? That's... uh... cool. I guess.
I've heard all of these confused questions and seen (or imagined - because I'm paranoid about being misunderstood) lots of raised eyebrows over the last month as I tell people I've moved into the Gainesville Catholic Worker House. And if you are one of those confused people, I don't blame you. I never really know exactly how to explain (1) what this house is or (2) why I moved in here. The name is a little bit ambiguous if you know nothing about its history. At first glance, it looks uber-religious and pretty uninteresting. But while many of the people who live here, volunteer here, and visit here are unashamedly religious and/or Catholic, they remind me of no religious people I have ever before met. They are the craziest, coolest, and most confusing Catholics you'll ever meet - at least in Gainesville, anyways. They do religion in a really new - or as they like to say, a really old - way. But enough of that. We can talk about that later, if you wish. But that's a whole different blog entry...
What I want to do tonight is give you a glimpse of what an "average" day looks like for me while living at the GCW house. But I have a problem. What I'm attempting to do is impossible, because an "average" day does not really exist here. Each new day - at least from my experience so far - differs greatly from the one that came before it. I feel like I meet someone new every day. "Boring," "uneventful," and "predictable" rarely - if ever - describe life here.
So I've decided to just tell you about my day today.
That seems simple enough.
But I want to tell you something before I begin. As I tell you about my day, I will introduce you to several people whom you have not met before, but I will not mention their names. Many reasons exist for this anonymity, but my favorite reason is that anonymity places everyone on an equal playing field. Anonymity erases all prejudices and predispositions. Some of the people I will mention are college students; some are college graduates; some are homeless people; some have jobs, homes, and families; some do not. But none of that matters, because I call all of them friends and family. None of that matters, because I doubt you'll be able to differentiate between those who are homeless and those who are not. This is why I'm not afraid to live here, paranoid to live here, nor "weirded out" to live here. This is why I don't feel the need to lock away my belongings or even to lock my door. This is why I both want and need to live here. When I think of "homeless people," I don't think of "homeless people." I think of "homeless people." They are just ordinary people. Like you. Like me. Don't quite believe me? Read on and judge for yourself . . .
Every day at the GCW - just like every day anywhere else - has its ups and its downs. Life here is not perfect. The people here are not perfect. Some parts of the house need work. Some parts of people need work. But I think that's fabulous, because I'm not perfect either. :-) So I fit right in . . .
But today had more ups than it had downs, so I want to share with you some of today's humorous, warm, and eye-opening moments as they come to mind:
-Tonight I watched a 66 year old woman proudly and perfectly do the splits in our kitchen - and not once, but twice! My eyes almost popped out of my head with disbelief and amazement. Now I finally understand what it means to "see" without "believing."
-This morning two gorgeous hippy guys who've been (literally) living in the Ocala woods came over and helped us prepare food in exchange for a meal; when they left, each guy gave me a huge, warm hug. Their bear hugs made me feel safe, beautiful, and appreciated. :-)
-Tonight a friend of mine walked in my newly-decorated bedroom and gave me the most desirable compliment I can imagine: He said, "Wow, I feel like India Arie would love this room!"
-This evening, my coolest (and only) Egyptian friend met my housemate and me in our kitchen; he gave us huge hugs and loudly exclaimed, "My man, my lady, I got the job! I got the job! Can you believe it? I got the job! I don't even know what to say! Oh fuck! Thank God! I got the job!" And my heart still celebrates with him now, at 3 AM. :-)
-After dinner tonight I sat on the front steps and enjoyed the cool evening breeze while chatting with a new lady friend. As I did her hair, this woman began to tell me a little about her life - about her family, about her past and current hair stylists, about her bus drivers, about her weekend job at a nursing home. As I listened to this woman, her obvious compassion for people (despite being hurt by many people) began to challenge my own perspectives. When she told me about the bus driver she shares oranges with every night, I thought, "How personal and considerate." But when she declared (speaking about her nursing home patients), "I don't believe in retarded people," - I thought, "Wow. How revolutionary! How true. Why don't more people think and act this way? Why don't I think and act this way?" And so this "ordinary" woman unknowingly spoke Truth and Love to me tonight.
-Tonight, when I was walking from the shower to my bedroom, one of my newest big brothers smiled and said, "Kim, your hair smells nice." I just smiled back and said, "Thank you." Such a small compliment, but it still brings a huge smile to my face.
-Tonight I taught two guy friends - one younger, one older - how to bake sugar cookies from scratch. You learn baking just like you learn everything else in life: Trial and Error, my friends. Trial and Error. Then we ate both our mistakes and our successes. And both were delicious.
-In the quiet, peaceful hours of tonight, I rested on my fun futon couch next to a friend. Suddenly he said,
"Do you hear that? That would drive me crazy!"
"Do I hear what?"
"That. Those chimes."
Then I heard it. The tinkling of chimes blowing softly in the wind.
I whispered,
"Mmm... I do hear it now. And I kind of like it. It's pretty."
Then he said,
"Yeah. I guess I kind of like it, too."
And I still hear the chimes now as this entry slowly draws to a close. And I still like them. All the nightclubs let out about an hour ago, so everything is finally still, peaceful, and quiet here on NW 2nd Avenue - Except for the chimes, the soft rustling of wind through tree leaves, the gentle rain that began a moment ago, an occasional car or two, and the late-night/early-morning biker whizzing past my open window. All is dark, cool, and sweet. Like fresh spring air and a good night's sleep.
All of this - this is Love.
How can I not believe in and share Love when she gives herself to me anew everyday?
Faith
Hope
and
Love.
But the greatest of these is Love.
So, what are you doing with your life now that you're done with college? You're working two part time jobs? Oh. So what do you do with all your free time?
Wait. Let me get this straight. You are living in the Gainesville Catholic Worker House? I thought you didn't like religious stuff anymore. Have you joined a cult or something?
Oh. So you have homeless people in your house everyday? That's... uh... cool. I guess.
I've heard all of these confused questions and seen (or imagined - because I'm paranoid about being misunderstood) lots of raised eyebrows over the last month as I tell people I've moved into the Gainesville Catholic Worker House. And if you are one of those confused people, I don't blame you. I never really know exactly how to explain (1) what this house is or (2) why I moved in here. The name is a little bit ambiguous if you know nothing about its history. At first glance, it looks uber-religious and pretty uninteresting. But while many of the people who live here, volunteer here, and visit here are unashamedly religious and/or Catholic, they remind me of no religious people I have ever before met. They are the craziest, coolest, and most confusing Catholics you'll ever meet - at least in Gainesville, anyways. They do religion in a really new - or as they like to say, a really old - way. But enough of that. We can talk about that later, if you wish. But that's a whole different blog entry...
What I want to do tonight is give you a glimpse of what an "average" day looks like for me while living at the GCW house. But I have a problem. What I'm attempting to do is impossible, because an "average" day does not really exist here. Each new day - at least from my experience so far - differs greatly from the one that came before it. I feel like I meet someone new every day. "Boring," "uneventful," and "predictable" rarely - if ever - describe life here.
So I've decided to just tell you about my day today.
That seems simple enough.
But I want to tell you something before I begin. As I tell you about my day, I will introduce you to several people whom you have not met before, but I will not mention their names. Many reasons exist for this anonymity, but my favorite reason is that anonymity places everyone on an equal playing field. Anonymity erases all prejudices and predispositions. Some of the people I will mention are college students; some are college graduates; some are homeless people; some have jobs, homes, and families; some do not. But none of that matters, because I call all of them friends and family. None of that matters, because I doubt you'll be able to differentiate between those who are homeless and those who are not. This is why I'm not afraid to live here, paranoid to live here, nor "weirded out" to live here. This is why I don't feel the need to lock away my belongings or even to lock my door. This is why I both want and need to live here. When I think of "homeless people," I don't think of "homeless people." I think of "homeless people." They are just ordinary people. Like you. Like me. Don't quite believe me? Read on and judge for yourself . . .
Every day at the GCW - just like every day anywhere else - has its ups and its downs. Life here is not perfect. The people here are not perfect. Some parts of the house need work. Some parts of people need work. But I think that's fabulous, because I'm not perfect either. :-) So I fit right in . . .
But today had more ups than it had downs, so I want to share with you some of today's humorous, warm, and eye-opening moments as they come to mind:
-Tonight I watched a 66 year old woman proudly and perfectly do the splits in our kitchen - and not once, but twice! My eyes almost popped out of my head with disbelief and amazement. Now I finally understand what it means to "see" without "believing."
-This morning two gorgeous hippy guys who've been (literally) living in the Ocala woods came over and helped us prepare food in exchange for a meal; when they left, each guy gave me a huge, warm hug. Their bear hugs made me feel safe, beautiful, and appreciated. :-)
-Tonight a friend of mine walked in my newly-decorated bedroom and gave me the most desirable compliment I can imagine: He said, "Wow, I feel like India Arie would love this room!"
-This evening, my coolest (and only) Egyptian friend met my housemate and me in our kitchen; he gave us huge hugs and loudly exclaimed, "My man, my lady, I got the job! I got the job! Can you believe it? I got the job! I don't even know what to say! Oh fuck! Thank God! I got the job!" And my heart still celebrates with him now, at 3 AM. :-)
-After dinner tonight I sat on the front steps and enjoyed the cool evening breeze while chatting with a new lady friend. As I did her hair, this woman began to tell me a little about her life - about her family, about her past and current hair stylists, about her bus drivers, about her weekend job at a nursing home. As I listened to this woman, her obvious compassion for people (despite being hurt by many people) began to challenge my own perspectives. When she told me about the bus driver she shares oranges with every night, I thought, "How personal and considerate." But when she declared (speaking about her nursing home patients), "I don't believe in retarded people," - I thought, "Wow. How revolutionary! How true. Why don't more people think and act this way? Why don't I think and act this way?" And so this "ordinary" woman unknowingly spoke Truth and Love to me tonight.
-Tonight, when I was walking from the shower to my bedroom, one of my newest big brothers smiled and said, "Kim, your hair smells nice." I just smiled back and said, "Thank you." Such a small compliment, but it still brings a huge smile to my face.
-Tonight I taught two guy friends - one younger, one older - how to bake sugar cookies from scratch. You learn baking just like you learn everything else in life: Trial and Error, my friends. Trial and Error. Then we ate both our mistakes and our successes. And both were delicious.
-In the quiet, peaceful hours of tonight, I rested on my fun futon couch next to a friend. Suddenly he said,
"Do you hear that? That would drive me crazy!"
"Do I hear what?"
"That. Those chimes."
Then I heard it. The tinkling of chimes blowing softly in the wind.
I whispered,
"Mmm... I do hear it now. And I kind of like it. It's pretty."
Then he said,
"Yeah. I guess I kind of like it, too."
And I still hear the chimes now as this entry slowly draws to a close. And I still like them. All the nightclubs let out about an hour ago, so everything is finally still, peaceful, and quiet here on NW 2nd Avenue - Except for the chimes, the soft rustling of wind through tree leaves, the gentle rain that began a moment ago, an occasional car or two, and the late-night/early-morning biker whizzing past my open window. All is dark, cool, and sweet. Like fresh spring air and a good night's sleep.
All of this - this is Love.
How can I not believe in and share Love when she gives herself to me anew everyday?
Faith
Hope
and
Love.
But the greatest of these is Love.
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