be True. be You.

INTEGRITY /ɪnˈtɛgrɪti/ [in-teg-ri-tee]
–noun1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.


FICKLE /ˈfɪkəl/ [fik-uhl]
–adjective1. likely to change, esp. due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable: fickle weather.2. not constant or loyal in affections: a fickle lover.


"In my solitude I asked to know the highest truth,
And what I was told was to thine own self be true."
~from India Arie's song, "Wings of Forgiveness"
I've messed up.

I long for integrity. I desire to be a person, a Woman, a soul of integrity. I want to be whole... sound... undiminished.

But reality reveals that despite my desire, I am fickle. I am likely to change. Some days I have no idea what I really want. And often I am neither constant nor loyal.

For most of my life, words like integrity and commitment could define me, at least partially. I did not shy away from commitment. I whole-heartily pursued and embraced it.

But not anymore.
For the last several months, I have been unwilling and almost unable to whole-heartily commit myself to any one thing, idea, or person.

I hate this about myself right now. Or maybe, to be more accurate and less harsh, I should say that I hate this about "my stage in life" right now. But however I say it does not change the meaning, for Where I am right now is the same as Who I am right now. So I am fickle. I am ever-changing. I am unwilling and often unable to commit.

And this scares the shit out of me. But I cannot seem to do anything to change it.

Fickleness is one thing.
Sometimes I think being fickle is OK and perhaps even healthy and normal.
Sometime I think that fickleness and integrity don't have to be mutually exclusive.
Maybe the two can coexist.
Perhaps a Woman can maintain her integrity while still feeling fickle.

But I have not managed to do this.
I have compromised my integrity.
I have diminished my wholeness.
I have consciously made unsound decisions.
My wholeness has been fractured because I tried to separate my Spiritual being from my Physical one.
From the beginning, I suspected this attempt was doomed to fail.
But I began anyway.
I tried.
And the first attempt failed.
I tried again.
And the second attempt failed.
After the second time, I no longer suspected; I knew every attempt was doomed to fail.
But I tried again.
And again.
And every attempt has failed.
Most certainly.

I cannot divide my Body from my Soul.
The Two are One; each affects the other.

When did I compromise my integrity?
Was it by simply trying because I did not yet know the answer?
Certainly not.

The compromise happened when I finally knew the answer, but went ahead anyways.
Just because "I wanted to do it."
Or more accurately, because part of me wanted to do it.
Not all of me.
Not the whole me.

I allowed part of me to affect all of me, even when all of me was no longer in agreement.
I arrogantly and foolishly thought,
"I just don't care right now; I want to do this."
But this was not true.
Reality was that I did not want to care. But part of me - and thus Me - cared very much.

But can I blame my lack of integrity on the awkward transition stage on which my Life currently and indefinitely pauses? It's tempting. My Life, no matter which way I look at it - spiritually, physically, professionally, personally - is at a crossroads right now. My entire being seems to be shrugging her shoulders, throwing up her hands, and sighing deeply, "I just don't know."

But while this stage of transition, uncertainty, and frustration may explain fickleness, it does not excuse a lack of integrity.

Sometimes I think this issue is about another person whom I have harmed or dishonored.
But that is actually another issue.
This issue is about Me.
I have harmed and dishonored Myself by consciously compromising the Woman I know myself to be.

And now that I've realized this, I need to get a move on and fix the problem at hand.
I need to get back to the basics of Me.
I need to forgive Myself, let it go, and move on.
But first, in some odd way, I sense the need to ask God - whoever or whatever He or She or It may be - to please forgive me for trying to separate that which God brought together.
And when I refer to forgiveness, I think I simply mean restoration.
I seek restoration within myself - between my Body and Soul.
I seek restoration without myself - between the little Soul inside me and the larger Soul outside me.

I don't want to be divided.
I need to be whole.
In fact, I cannot be divided.
I will always be whole.

So I need to Live and Love in a way that acknowledges and honors that wholeness.
I need to be True.
I need to be Me.