restlessness...

Today, I feel restless.

And not as in Restless Leg Syndrome or boredom or "what should I do today?"

It's more like Restless Heart Syndrome...
More like, "what should I do with my life in the near future?"

In the past, restlessness was not a common issue for me.
I am usually very content with wherever I am and with whatever I am doing.
I usually enjoy being alive in this Present moment, wherever I am and whatever I am about.

And I am very happy to be who I am and where I am in this Present moment, today.

But very recently, my heart has felt it is time to move on.
What do I mean by this?
I have no idea.

Do I mean I need to move on ideologically?
Geographically?
Socially?
Personally?
In relationships?

I have no idea.
I guess only the future will tell?

Maybe this feeling comes from how ridiculously long this entire Peace Corps application process is taking me - I began the application over a year ago.

Maybe it comes from watching many of my closest friends prepare for graduation and life "after college," while I have made no plans to move out of Gainesville any time soon.

Maybe it comes from my chronic state of "fickleness," which I spoke of in the previous entry.

Or maybe my restless heart is the effect of all the above and even other causes, which I have not yet identified.

Physically, I can sleep.
But mentally, spiritually, personally - I cannot rest right now.
My restless heart keeps me awake... awake... awake.
Ugh.
The voice from Nowhere whispers to me always - in the midst of both the silent and the noisy moments - It's time to move on.

But move on to where?
To what?
Sigh.
I don't know.

I like where I am living.
But of course, I may enjoy Life in other places, too.
Should I move back to Kansas City and teach or apply to work at the KCUYC?
I could.
But I don't think that's the place for me right now.

Should I move to a brand new place?
Or should I stay here, where I have some tiny roots that are beginning, at last, to grow?

Should I stay exactly where I am and just wait out the whole Peace Corps process?
I could.
Life is rich and full of lessons and love here.

Should I go get a haircut today?
I do kind of need one; haven't had one since January.
But that's just a momentary fix.

Should I get a new job but stay in the same city, in the same house, with the same family?
I could.

Oh, dear mama, mother of Life.
What to do?
Move on... what does that mean???
Why am I so restless?

I have been a geographical nomad all my life.
But now, even as remain in one city,
And my feet no longer wander,
My heart wonders incessantly.

Oh! The terrible, wonderful, exciting, frustrating, rewarding Life of a chronic nomad!

Am I doomed to be either
A Wandering Wonderer
or
A Wondering Wanderer
All my life?

For a Tree to grow strong and produce good fruit, does She need to first grow strong roots, deep down into the soil? How much time do roots take to grow? Can they ever be transplanted successfully?

And yet, in the midst of momentary distress over my restlessness, the words of J.R.R. Tolkien encourage me:

Not all those who wander are lost.

Some may be.
But not all.
Hopefully I am not... yet.