questions with(out) answers

Recently I've been contemplating some poems and sayings by the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. Now I know that makes me sound very bookish (which I sort of am) and intellectual, but I can't take credit for discovering his writing on my own. In general, I don't read a lot of explicitly philosophical material. But my friend Anthony kept mentioning Nietzsche in conversation; then lo and behold, I go to my first English class this semester, and I see Nietzsche on the syllabus. Immediately I'm interested. ("Coincidences" in life capture my attention and usually compel me to further investigation.) So I go to the library, check out a few books by Nietzsche, read a few pages in one, and quickly fall head-over-heels in awe with the simple style but profound content of his words.

I suspect you'll hear more of Nietzsche from me in the future, but for now, here are just a few of his sayings which I'm considering tonight:


"An uncomfortable trait.
- To find all things deep - that is an uncomfortable trait: it makes one constantly strain one's eyes and in the end always find more than one had wished."
(I definitely have this problem; I call it "over-thinking everything".)

"Being deep and seeming deep.
-Those who know they are deep strive for clarity. Those who would like to seem deep to the crowd strive for obscurity. For the crowd takes everything whose ground it cannot see to be deep: it is so timid and so reluctant to go into the water."
(Does anyone else feel that in the midst of striving for clarity what they usually - or most quickly - achieve is obscurity? I feel like this right now.)

"Limits of our sense of hearing.
- One hears only those questions to which one is able to find an answer."

I do not believe this last phrase is always true, because right now I feel like some of the questions I have can never be answered. But I hope I am wrong; I hope the reason I am confronted with such frustrating questions is because they have answers, and not just because asking such questions is a valuable exercise of the mind.

A few days ago Diane challenged me to be courageous enough to sit and feel my own chaos. That's probably one of the hardest exercises I've ever tried to complete. I turned to at least nine other activities first: Eating, sleeping, exercising, talking, dancing, drinking, serving, studying, cleaning.

Finally, the voice inside my head commanded me to Sit down. Now. Stop doing. Stop moving. Just be.
Reluctantly, I sat down.
I closed my eyes.
I took a deep breath.
I opened my ears.

And I heard the front door open and my roommate come home.
The other voice inside my head said
Ha. Now this will have to wait until Later.
I breathed a sigh of relief and greeted my roommate.

I do not want to feel my chaos. I want to feel in control. I want to be orderly. I want to neatly place all of my thoughts and ideas into pre-labeled drawers. I want organization. I want Peace. Not Chaos.

But Later finally came today.
Today I faced myself.
Today I felt my own chaos.
Or at least, I tried to feel it for about an hour.
And it was close to terrifying and far from reassuring.

In the midst of the awkward, uncomfortable silence, I heard these questions:

Should I keep searching for Peace, for rest?
Or should I learn to be content with - and even excited about - Chaos?

Do I believe in "the hole" that so many religious people talk about?
Is my lack of Peace evidence that "my hole" not only exists but is empty?

I don't think I believe in "the hole".

But am I living like I believe in it?
Maybe.

If it exists, am I trying to "fill" this "hole" with the activities I choose to spend my time doing? Am I trying to "fill" it with relationships, with people?

I don't know.

But if "the hole" exists, and if I am trying to "fill" it, do I think I can succeed?

No.

If "the hole" exists, do some people learn to live life without needing to fill it?

Yes, I think so.

Am I the type of person who can be content with an empty hole in my soul?

I doubt that very much.

But does this "hole" even exist?
Or is it a figment of my religious upbringing?

Do you ever struggle with these questions? What other questions do you hear? Can our questions be answered? I don't know, but I hope so. Nietzsche seems to think if we are able to ask our questions, then we are also able to answer them.

Friend, I hope you are well - body, mind, and soul. I hope you have Peace. But if you do not - if you, too, have only Chaos - then I hope you find courage: Courage enough to be:

Silent - hear the loud voices in your mind.

and

Still - feel the restlessness of your soul.


Namaste. And love - to you - from your rafiki.