an identity crisis

If someone asks, "Who are you?" how would you answer?

This question has recently become a difficult one for me; the uncertainty and confusion I've always felt when someone asks, "Where are you from" (I've lived in two countries, seven states, and ten cities, so I never know how to answer) now pale in comparison to what I feel when someone asks, "Who are you?" Yet I seem to ask myself this every day. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I like to torment myself. Or maybe because I want to find an answer that satisfies... an answer that gives me purpose... an answer that shows me how to live.

I do know a few basic facts about myself (surprise!), mostly from filling out generic forms and participating in "polite" conversations all of my life:

Name: Kimberly, Kim, Kimbo, Kimmy, Kimberlina.
Alias: Darth Vador
Gender: Female
Birthday: 03.26.87
SSN: Ha. I won't post that here even though I'm sure you can find it.
Nationality: American
Ethnicity: Not Applicable
Birthplace: South Dakota
Hometown: I had a nomadic childhood
Music genre: Reggae. Jazz. Any noise that makes me wanna dance.
Film genre: Family comedy, musical, or documentary
Sports: The kind you play with friends
Animals: Cats
Hobbies: Thinking too much. Laughing. Writing too much. Reading.
Occupation: Full-time student with two part-time jobs
University: UF
Major: English
Minor: Education and African Studies
Career goals: I want to keep loving people.
No, seriously: Umm... maybe urban or international English teaching?

Blah. blah. BLAHHH.

But does the above describe who I truly, wholly am? Or am I deeper than all of that?

I want to believe I am much deeper.

But that creates a problem, because then I must ask myself, "Who am I, really?" And that is the difficult version to answer. For me, it is difficult because I'm not yet sure how to differentiate between who I truly am, who I am only pretending to be, and who I desire and hope to become. It is difficult because I don't yet know exactly what I believe or how I want to live. Some days I feel this is a weird, abnormal, emergency situation: I am 21 years old; if I don't get with the program and figure out who I am in a hurry, then I will permanently screw up and waste my life. But other days I feel at peace with where I am and who I am right now, even if I can't explain verbally and precisely who I am. In the words of Bob Marley, "Everything is gonna be all right." If I need to answer some questions with "I don't know yet, and maybe I never will," then that is OK. Maybe it is even normal and healthy.

And yet, I still want to know who I am; perhaps that desire is normal and healthy as well. But even if it is abnormal and destructive, that will make little difference; for the desire exists, and out of that desire, this blog has been born. So at least for right now, the purpose of this blog will simply be to express myself, my life, and what I am learning; maybe this will help me discover who I am; maybe it won't. If you want to join me on my journey, then I welcome your company. Or if you want me to join you on yours, then I welcome that, too. India Arie (one of my favorite musicians) claims in one of her songs, "If you know yourself, then you know me very well." I tend to agree. Maybe together we will discover that although you and I are different, we are also very similar.

Perhaps this blog will develop another purpose as time goes on. But for now, this is all about us: It's just you and me, baby. As I discover me, and you discover you, perhaps we will both discover more about each other, and in the process, perhaps we will both begin to call all of humanity our family.

This is my hope.

Namaste,

~your rafiki


DISCLAIMER:
If this blog gets too personal, I apologize. If they exist at all, then I am oblivious to all blogging etiquette and rules. I believe in and try to practice honesty and transparency. I feel we are all human and therefore all share similar struggles, so why try and hide who we are as if others will be shocked? However, I am aware that - for a variety of reasons - some ideas and experiences are better to keep to one's self or to discuss privately rather than to announce publicly. So I do not anticipate that any shocking content will be published here. But since each person's definition of "shocking" is likely different, you should still consider yourself warned. :-)